Okay, we know we're to use eye contact, provide physical affection and listen to our children attentively. But after nurture, then what? Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says that "discipline is the second most important thing you can give a child. Love comes first, but very close on its heels comes discipline."
Yes, it's time to talk about the D word. We really don't like doing that. Somehow, discipline sounds sort of mean.
I suspect that one reason many of us resist the idea of discipline is that we experienced less-than ideal correction growing up. Discipline happens, and most parents have no trouble at all using the word "no." No, you can't stay out until 2 a.m. No, you can't poke your brother with a fork.
We get into trouble, though, when we use "no" and other parent-y kind of words in anger or irritation. How discipline happens makes all the difference.
Ephesians 6:4 can be called the parenting verse. Hidden within it is wonderful instruction for fathers and mothers — but also a warning. "Do not provoke your children to anger…"
When our parenting is provoking, when it incites resentment towards us within our children's hearts and prejudices them against hearing us and responding to our instruction, we're ignoring that warning and undermining the very thing we seek to establish. This is not an understanding rooted in modern psychology. More than four hundred years ago in his Commentary on Galatians and Ephesians,* John Calvin elaborated on this verse:
"Parents … are exhorted not to irritate their children by unreasonable severity. This would excite hatred, and would lead them to throw off the yoke altogether… Kind and liberal treatment has rather a tendency to cherish reverence for their parents, and to increase the cheerfulness and activity of their obedience, while a harsh and unkind manner rouses them to obstinacy, and destroys the natural affections."*
This doesn't mean we should be lax or just plain folksy all the time. Clearly, correction is called for, and a stern word as well, when the situation calls for it. But the correction and discipline is to be characterized by kindness.
The next time you correct your child, listen to yourself. Are you being provoking? perhaps even harsh? or underlying your words and tone and manner is there kindness and understanding?
Lord, help us to nurture our children with discipline that promotes their cheerful response.
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